No, do click the link, because this will ensure you waste even more time when you know you should be working.

The art of demotivation.

Of course the clever procrastinator won't just stop at a stomach bug, migraine or putting your back out. Doctors Certificates are a great way to go, especially if you can show a high level of stress caused by your bosses unrealistic demands on your time. You see by the time you've returned from stress leave, the offending item in question will have been completed, hopefully by the boss who was feeling guilty because they asked you to do the job in the first place.

.All those books and journal articles for when you get around to reading them
.Plants, pictures and associated nicknacks
.Radio, so you can tune out the sound of all those people who are typing and talking loudly to clients on the telephone
. Cardigans and cushions, oh and those slippers you wear around the office cos your feet hurt.

Getting a new job would also mean reading the job section in the paper each week until you found the perfect job. Of course you could just call up the employment agency and let them do the work for you, then if it didn't work out at least you'd have someone to blame.

But you know what, getting a new hob mught be alright, the pay might be betterm but you'd have to meet all those new people. and sometimes it's better the devil you know isn't it.

If I were you, I'd waiti until you're more in the mood before you start looking after all you wouldn't want to rush things.

1. Eat - feed your body if you can't feed your mind
2. Read the paper - you'll need to catch up on all the latest goings on since you've been away
3. Make another cup of coffee - I bet you're struggling to keep your eyes open today, so you'll need the extra caffeine.
4. Kick around a few ideas with your colleagues - after all if you are struggling to get going, chances are going to be good that so are they.
5. Call an impromptu meeting to discuss the latest projects. Everyone does your thinking for you and if you are careful you may be able to offload some or all of the work sitll needed to be done, onto others who haven't yet learnt the true art of procrastinating yet.
6. Pretend to read the latest industry news and journals, but always have your own reading material, so you can look busy whilst doing your own thing.
7. Read your screensaver
8. Send the rude jokes out to everyone on your contact lists.
9. Search the net for more jokes and pass those on as well.
10. Read the latest headlines on all the major news sites, added bonus, you have lots to discuss with your colleagues when you - stop by for a chat, meet them in the kitchen when making your 10th cup of coffee

2. Make coffee for your entire section. The bigger the section, the longer it will take. Forget what people wanted and have to start over again.

3. Read the paper - Disguise your cartoon reading as research. Clip out useless bits of information and add a circulation slip so that everyone gets to read it. If you don't have a circulation slip then make one, this has a double effect, not only does it take you time to do, but it also means that  other people learn the art of procrastination too. Remember your task is to put off until tomorrow what you can't be bothered doing today. And by delaying other people, you can ensure that you don't get given any more work.

4. Email -1 - Subscribe to as many news groups and list servs as you can find. It deson't matter if they are not directly related to work. Ask lots of questions and spend lots of time answering everyone elses comments and questions at length.

5. Email 2 - Have more than one email account, you will be able to check for interesting messages throughout the day, always forward the jokes to those people who you know will appreciate them. Do not have the email closed, that way you can deal with all the interesting things when they arrive. Stopping you doing other things of course. Oh and make sure your email accounts are set to make a noise when a message arrives. This has two purposes - the noise breaks your concentration so you have to stop what you are doing so you have to go and check them out. It is also a great way to ensure that your colleagues know that you are important because you get lots of messages.

6. To do lists -1 - Make more than one as you are bound to lose one.

7. To do lists -2 - Add everything to your lists, inlcuding toilet breaks and lunch. Do them on the computer so that it beeps when it is time to do them.

8. Meetings - The best outcome of any meeting is to ensure that the only thing you've agreed to is the date for the next meeting. Volunteer to arrange it, that way you get to speak to all of the participants more than once in order to set the time and date. Try to avoid being volunteered for anything else though, the object of the meeting is not get work done, but to take an opposing view to the majority, unless it is in your favour to do so of couse. Try to land the role of convenor/chair person, that way you get to decide who does what job and by when. This has the added advantage that you show off your leadership skills at the same time. Which is always handy when payrises and promotions are in the offing.

Let’s face it, we’ve all put off doing something we don’t particularly want to do, but some people are more adept at the art of procrastination than others. Procrastination can occur at all times, to all kinds of people either at work, home or school. In fact, wherever there are people, there will be someone who doesn’t want to do something and will go to any lengths to avoid the task. The following is a list of the most common time wasting techniques known to man, woman or child. If you catch yourself agreeing with any of the ones shown, then you are indeed a procrastinator.

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Every morning without fail, we usually put on the kettle before we switch on our computers. Go on hands up, who does it? Do you know why do we do it? Didn’t you have a cup of coffee/tea before you left home this morning? Was the journey into work, so long that you are thirsty, or is it simply a habit you’ve gotten into. You don’t function until you’ve had the third or fourth cup of caffeine.

Pre-determined coffee/tea breaks are part and parcel of the working day, but sometimes, we delay the start of each and every day until we’ve drunk the first cup. But do you arrive early enough so that by the time the computer has warmed up, the coffee made, it’s actually before you’re supposed to officially start work, or are you like the millions of others who go and make themselves a drink even after the siren sounds?

Started work yet? Thought not. Now you’ve drunk all that coffee, you’ve come to the realization that your bladder is a little too full for comfort. Amazing isn’t it. You didn’t want to go until you sat down at the computer and started loading up the software. Oh well, the computer has warmed up, and whilst the e-mail is loading, you’ve just got time to go.

How many of us simply go to the toilet, wash our hands and go straight back to the office? Not many I would hazard a guess. Is the lipstick the right shade for that jacket? Are your seams straight on your stockings; is the tie suitably risqué enough to shock the boss’s secretary? Hair in place, good now shall we begin?

No I didn't think so.

OK, we’ve drunk the first of many cups of coffee, and we’ve gotten rid of the excess liquid we’ve taken in unnecessarily. Now we can simply walk back to the office and get on with the day – right? Wrong. How many desks do you walk past on the way back to your office? In my case it’s 4. Were the people in before you went to the toilet? Are they there now? Should you say good morning? Of course you do, after all it’s only polite. Does it usually stop at a simple good morning – probably not.

What’s the main topic of conversation, the drive into work – did you catch that accident on the way in? Bad wasn’t it. Did you watch that program on the TV last night, did you have a good weekend – really, you’ll have to tell me all about it. How was mine? Well not as exciting as yours…. And on and on and on. Do you repeat that with every office you walk past? Thought so. Done any work yet this morning? Didn’t think so.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that these things shouldn’t be done, all I’m saying is that by the time we do get back to our desks to do some actual work, it’s no longer the official start time is it? No, thought not.

Are you thirsty now?

Go and make some more coffee.  Time to go back to the kitchen just to pick up another shot of caffeine to take back to your desk of course. Except there’s usually someone in there you haven’t said hello to yet this morning. Did they have a good weekend – what do you mean you didn’t ask – how rude, now they’ll think that you don’t care if they’d had a shitty weekend or not.

I used to work at one organization, and I shan’t name it for fear of recriminations, but there was one person who actually walked around the building (all three floors of it) to say hello to every member of staff each and every morning – without fail. It was as if there was a mental checklist, which had to be ticked off each and every morning.

So you’ve made it into the office. Oh look you’ve got new e-mail. Do you want to read it now?

The biggest time waster since computers were invented, and most other things too if we were completely honest with each other. How many of the e-mails that you get at work are work related? Not many huh? Didn’t think so?

I have two e-mail accounts; a work provided one and one freely available on the Internet. So I get two accounts to check on a daily basis. Well I don’t have to you understand, but I do, simply because I can.

On a more serious note, I can also access my work e-mail from home and if I do go “on the net” once the kids are in bed, I do usually pick up and deal with work related e-mails (if I can) from the comfort of my home office. OK, a couple of brownie points perhaps, but on the down side, if they can’t get you via the phone, then they know they can get you via the e-mail system.

My friends, work colleagues, ex work colleagues and family know both e-mail addresses, so there’s no escaping the fact that you’re going to read what’s in them aren’t you. And how many of you receive the “jokes/funnies” that are sent around the globe on a daily basis? Or do you work for one of the few companies that actually filter any un-work related e-mails? Not many of them are about is there?

So where was I? Oh yes reading e-mails? Found the one from the boss yet asking you why you haven’t made it to any of the early morning meetings so far this year??

Do you think he/she will believe you when you tell him/her you go caught up in traffic again?

And talking of meetings – aren’t they just the best way of wasting a couple of hours? No? Let me explain what I mean.

Have you ever tried to organise a meeting? Do you use the e-mail system so that you can see at a glance what your colleagues are doing at that time? Or do you send a quick e-mail asking for suitable times, dates, or are you a dictator who says what time the meeting actually is and then wonder why

Trying to organise your working day so that everyone who should attend, does. Hard isn’t it, especially if you don’t have an e-mail system that doesn’t allow you to check what’s on other people’s calendars.

Have you ever been to a meeting and the only outcome was to organise another one? No? Well what about those impromptu meetings that we all go to that don’t have an agenda, or if they do, actually stick to them? Do any of your meetings that do actually have an agenda, have any timings associated with them? Thought not.

So the meetings are poorly organised and badly run, so is it any wonder you don’t get as much out of them as you should.

Are You a regular putter offerer? If the answer is yes, then congratulations are definitely in order. You have perfected the art of procrastination. Most people would not consider procrastination to be an art form. But to succeed as a procrastinator really does take some clever, creative thinking, especially if you are going to get away with doing little or nothing for the rest of your working life. For those of you who are new to procrastination, and would like some hints and tips, we will show you the ones that have worked, and those which need some refining.

So let us begin, or do you need to make a cup of tea first?

• tomorrow
• in a minute
• when I’ve finished doing this
• when I can be bothered
• when I’m in the mood
• when I’ve got the time
• later
• when this is finished
• on Monday
• another day
• after lunch
• when I feel more refreshed

well it’s just not worth starting it now – is it?